You are not alone in the fog

For many years of my life, it was like wandering through a thick cold fog at night. Not a normal fog, but like the creamy British fog that wraps around you and makes you numb with wet and cold.  I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and for more than two decades I kept it a secret from most everyone in my life.

The U.S. National library of Medicine describes PTSD as an anxiety disorder brought about traumatic event or events involving death, injury or the threat of either or both.  In other words it is the reaction to a horrible situation that a reasonable person would not be prepared for.

I called it being screwed up from a messed up experience. My PTSD is not from one thing but almost a career of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. It has left me as damaged goods.

As soon as it started, I lost sleep; I was constantly worried that my doom was right around the corner waiting to pounce on me. I feared telling anyone, in my head I knew if I even mentioned what was going on with me my proud Air Force career would be done.

With in the very hour of leaving Iraq and arriving into Turkey, I began to drink. A beer was waiting for me on my cot, a gift from fellow Airman who only wanted to help me “relax from the stress”.

Alcohol became my therapist, my friend, and my way to sleep. It only turned out to be my worst enemy. Only luck, and my unwanted reputation saved me from military criminal record.

For a long time I felt horribly alone, unable to communicate with friends or family. I distanced myself and found solace in bottles. I sat alone and watched as the world moved along and felt only numb. When I contacted with others, I separated any emotion and gained nothing from the socialization.

In my darkest times, I wondered alone in my fog of life. Many lonely nights I wished for the fog to take me. I just wanted to disappear. The next day the fog would clear a little and I would carry on.

I made it through the dark cold fog and I now love life. I feel and give back. I don’t have the cure all answer to the dark pains of PTSD, but I hope my lessons learned can help others find their way. I hope that if just help one other person out there who is hurting alone may see their fog lift.